The Newlywed Game: Special Edition
by TakagiNaoSama
Summary: Three SM couples are put on The Newlywed Game, with Bob Eubanks hosting, and asked some really funny questions with even funnier answers. This is the 4th and final story in this series.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer for my sanity:  
This story was written in 2000, so don't be too harsh on me :P  
If this isn't the right format for a story, go ahead and take it down. I've seen other works in this format on this website and they're great, but if there's a problem with it by all means remove it.  
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I can't believe it! It's finally here! My fourth, and final, Newlywed Game fanfic. Yes, this is it. The grand finale. That's only one of the reasons this is a 'special edition' however. The other reasons unfold in the story itself, including the fact that it's only between Naoko's two most famous couples and it's a two-parter!  
An important note before you begin: A character by the name of Kento is mentioned. He is a character which I made up for a few other fanfic series. Basically, he is the Outer Senshi's friend and has a strong love for Michiru. You need know no more for this fic, though, don't worry.  
I rate this story R because of the content of the questions and answers.  
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Newlywed Game: Special Edition - part 1

(The stage is decorated in a beach-like atmosphere, complete with sand and palm trees)

ANNOUNCER: Liiiiive from Hollywood, it's The Newlywed Game!

(audience cheers)

ANN: Here's the star of the show, Bob Eubanks!

(Bob walks out in a shirt with palm trees on it, colored shorts, and sunglasses. Audience cheers)

BOB: Hello and welcome to a special edition of The Newlywed Game. Today, our two most memorable, and eccentric, couples have returned for the third time. They will be battling it out, head to head, for the ultimate second honeymoon.

USAGI (previously kissing Mamoru, who is holding her): Actually, Bob, it will be our third honeymoon since we won the very first game.

MICHIRU (looks up from the other side of the stage from the floor where she was kissing Haruka): Excuse me, Usagi? WE won the first game. You two just got the tickets to the cruise.

HARUKA: And what do you mean it WILL be your third honeymoon? We're gonna win this!

MAMORU: No way! Usako and I have been studying each other's lives 24/7 ever since the last show.

HARU: That must have not given you much time for-

MICHI: Haruka!

USAGI: Well, I now know everything there is to know about Mamo-chan... Even the time he went skinny-dipping with his guy friends.

MAMO (face turning red. Drops Usagi to the sand): Usako!

BOB: Why do I have a really bad feeling about today's show?

USAGI (rubbing her bottom): Cause it's a two-day special with the four of us?

BOB: Well, there's our first correct answer of the game... Anyway, we do only have two days and many questions. Michiru, Usagi, will you two please go backstage to our soundproof booths?

USAGI: Do we have to? I hate it in there. It's so hot, and I feel every time I come out my Odangos shrink.

MICHI: I'll bet that's not the only thing that shrinks.

USAGI: Oh, shut up!

(Michiru and Usagi kiss Haruka and Mamoru respectively, which quickly turns into a contest of who can hold the kiss longer)

BOB: Girls! Come on!

(Usagi parts a split second after Michiru and teases her about it all the way backstage while Michiru sticks her tongue out at her)

USAGI: Keep your tongue in your mouth unless you intend to use it.

MICHI: Oh, believe me, I use it all the time.

MAMO (still dazed from the kiss): I love this show!

BOB: Mamoru, if you would please sit down now we can begin the show with our first question.

(Mamoru sits in a lawn chair and Haruka lays herself down in a hammock. Mamoru is wearing bright green swimming trunks and sandals. Haruka wears a black bikini with a white button-down shirt over it which is left open)

BOB: Okay, now that you two are settled, our first question is for you to complete this statement, "Ever since we got married, my wife just doesn't blank like she use to." Mamoru?

MAMO: Hmm... I would say she doesn't whine like she use to.

BOB: Well, that's a good thing. Haruka?

HARU (puts her hand on her face and sighs): Bob, Michiru's been way too dominating. She doesn't...doesn't...well, let me lead like she use to.

BOB: Oh, I see.

MAMO: Usagi lets me lead whenever I want...which is every night.

BOB (sensing the two getting angry): Um, thanks you two. Next, Haruka, think back into your past. What was the first thing out of Michiru's mouth when she first saw you naked?

(Mamoru laughs lightly)

HARU (staring angrily at Mamoru): Don't laugh, dickhead. I bet Odango screamed when she first saw your ugly ass.

MAMO: As a matter of fact, she did.

HARU: Nani?

MAMO (rolling his eyes): Duh. She screamed for joy. Which is probably a lot more than Michiru did.

HARU: Oh, believe me, she had quite a reaction.

BOB: Care to share it with us?

HARU: I think it was, "Wow... Oh God, Haruka, you're more beautiful than I imagined. I love you. This is a dream come true. I never-

BOB: Okay, okay! I just needed 'wow' thank you very much. Now, Mamoru, where is the coldest place Usagi's ever had sex?

MAMO: With me?

BOB: Uh...I would hope.

MAMO: Um...

HARU: Oh...I don't even want to know.

MAMO: Oh yeah? Beat Pluto!

HARU (looking into camera): I pity you, Setsuna.

BOB: ... Haruka, will you please answer-

HARU: Yeah I know! (glances slyly at Mamoru) ... The pool in our backyard.

(Audience cheers and whistles)

BOB (referring to audience): You bunch of crazies! Okay, Haruka, what do your neighbors complain about the most: the noises coming from your kitchen, bedroom or bathroom?

HARU (rolls her eyes): Knowing how I cook, Michiru would probably say kitchen, but I can't let my guard down against this loser, so definitely bedroom.

MAMO: Haruka, you don't even have neighbors.

HARU (smiling): No, but Setsuna's room is right down the hall from ours, and she complains every other night!

BOB: I'm feeling left out here, and it's MY show!

MAMO: Sorry, Bob. They complain most about the bedroom noises, too.

BOB: Thank you. Now, Mamoru, listen carefully. If the airlines awarded you 1000 miles for every time you and Usagi made love this past week, how far around the world would you two get?

HARU (laughing): I've got you beat on this one!

MAMO: Yeah right! We'd beat you to Japan and back again, Bob, 12000 miles.

BOB: Wow! Twelve times in the last week?

HARU: Geez! That's almost twice a day, Mamoru!

MAMO (grinning): Yep. And how many times have you and Michiru...

HARU (blushing slightly): ... Nine.

MAMO (laughing): That wouldn't even get you back to Japan!

BOB (interrupting): Anyway, I don't know what kind of sick producer of mine came up with this next question, but, Haruka, what is the total number of positions you and Michiru have tried in a single lovemaking session?

HARU (almost falling out of the hammock): What!

MAMO (coolly putting on sunglasses): Haruka, you ARE a woman. Close your mouth before I decide to make use of it.

HARU (starring at Mamoru): Asshole... (counting on her fingers) ... Seventeen, Bob.

BOB: Seventeen!

MAMO: I didn't think two girls would know how to get into that many ugly situations.

HARU: Believe me, the only thing ugly about it is the thought of our princess doing it with you.

MAMO: Hey! I'm your king! I could kick you out of the solar system!

HARU: Oh, yeah, Odango would really go for that.

BOB: Mamoru.

MAMO: Oh! Sorry, Bob. Um...three.

HARU (on the verge of laughing): I'm not saying anything.

BOB: Good. Mamoru, complete this statement, "I believe with all my heart that women were put on this Earth for two reasons: to blank and what."

MAMO: Well, in Haruka's case I'd say to serve and obey... But with Usako...look good and rule men.

BOB: Okay. Haruka?

HARU: You've got 'rule men' correct. But I say we were put on the Earth to love and be loved.

MAMO: Of course, that doesn't apply to you.

HARU: Oh yeah? (gets off the hammock and walks to the invisible line dividing the stage) Backstage there's a beautiful woman and seventeen positions that can tell you otherwise!

(Mamoru grumbles and sinks into his seat)

BOB (laughing): Okay, now, Haruka, the last time you gave Michiru the chills, will she say they started from the top and worked their way down or started at the bottom and worked their way up?

HARU: I usually start at the bottom, so-

BOB: Well, that's a little more than I wanted to know...

HARU (smiles): From the bottom up.

BOB: Mamoru?

MAMO: Same with me. The chills start from the bottom and work their way up.

BOB: Okay. Mamoru, if Usagi got a free coupon to a top plastic surgeon, would she ask him to make something on her body bigger, smaller, tighter or smoother?

HARU: Oh no. We're gonna get in so much trouble!

MAMO: Now THAT I can agree with you on. Uh, she'd probably get something bigger.

BOB (sarcastically): I wonder what that could be. Haruka?

HARU: I'd say tighter.

BOB: Oh, really?

HARU: Yeah. I work out a lot more than her and she's always saying how she admires my body because everything is so tight.

MAMO: Oh, I needed to know that...

HARU: You're just jealous.

MAMO (grabs his throat and makes choking and gagging noises): Never!

BOB: Alright, listen you two. Will your wife say she spends most of her time in bed lying on her right side, left side, front side or back side? Haruka?

HARU: Well, she's on the left side facing me, so her left side.

MAMO: Exact same with Usako; left side.

BOB: Great. Now, Mamoru, if an FBI team dusted Usagi after lovemaking, where on her body would they find the FEWEST fingerprints?

MAMO, HARU: Shimatta!

BOB: What?

MAMO: Come on. Can't you ask where they'd find the most?

BOB: Oh yeah. Like no one knows where that is.

MAMO (laughing): Okay, okay. They'd find the fewest on her back.

BOB: Did you say her back?

MAMO: Well, yeah. She has so much hair I can't seem to find it.

BOB (laughing): Well, that's true. Haruka?

HARU: Probably her feet... I never get down that far.

(Audience whistles and cheers)

BOB: And we all know why. Anyway, next, how would your wife say you would complete this sentence, "My ex-boyfriend's blank is bigger than mine, but my what is bigger than his." Haruka, Michiru's ex-boyfriend's what is bigger than yours?

HARU: I didn't even know she had an ex-boyfriend...

BOB: She told us before the show it was someone named Kento.

HARU: What! He was never her boyfriend!

BOB: She seems to tell us otherwise.

HARU: I can't believe it... Well, I suppose his, uh, his whole body is bigger than mine.

BOB: And your what is bigger than his?

HARU: I don't know if Michiru would agree, but I say my brain.

BOB: Okay. Mamoru?

MAMO: Oh I know who she classifies as her ex-boyfriend. His, or her, dedication is more than mine, and my 'love machine' is definitely bigger than his. He or she shouldn't even have had one in the first place!

HARU (laughing): She didn't in the first place.

BOB: I'm not asking... Okay, as a player on the field of love, what penalty will your wife say you're most likely to be called on: motion in the backfield, rushing, or illegal use of the hands? Mamoru?

MAMO (laughing): Oh, it's gotta be motion in the backfield.

(Audience cheers)

BOB: Anyway, Haruka, motion in the backfield, rushing, or illegal use of the hands?

HARU: Well, this is tough because I'd probably get called on both illegal use of the hands AND rushing. But...well, now that I think of it, she never has any objections to my hands wandering everywhere...but, she's ALWAYS complaining about me going too fast.

BOB: Uh, that's wonderful. Now, Haruka, since you two have been married, what is one thing Michiru has lost-

HARU MAMO: Her virginity!

BOB (glaring): I wasn't finished!

(Haruka and Mamoru laugh)

BOB: What is one thing she's lost that you wish she HADN'T?

HARU: Oh, well, her spontaneity.

MAMO: Big words...

HARU: Shut it, Tux.

BOB: Please, you two.

MAMO: Alright, she's lost her immaturity.

BOB: Isn't that a good thing?

MAMO: Not in some ways. She use to be SO happy-go-lucky, and it just turned me on every time.

BOB: That's understandable.

HARU: Yeah, coming from someone who runs around in a tuxedo and top hat fighting evil with a bunch of girls in short skirts.

MAMO: I always thought you looked cute in a skirt...

(Haruka, although angry, blushes and leans back in her seat)

BOB: Alright, alright. If you could adjust your love life the way you tune a radio, which knob would you go for first: volume, balance, or frequency? Haruka?

HARU: Balance, Bob! She actually wants to start taking control in bed! It's not fair!

MAMO: Well, WE don't need to adjust anything, but I guess I would go for volume.

BOB: But you said the neighbors already complain.

MAMO: They do.

BOB: ... Anyway, our last question in this round is, when it comes to hard-core romance, will your wife say she prefers to be in control, be controlled, or be totally out of control? Mamoru?

MAMO: As I said before, I'm in control.

BOB: So Usagi likes to be controlled?

MAMO: Yep.

BOB: Fine. Haruka?

HARU: How many times are you gonna ask this question to me? I don't like it!

BOB: Well, I still need your confirmation.

HARU (sigh): Okay, okay... It use to be she liked to be controlled, but something happened and now she likes to be in control.

MAMO: Maybe you're not satisfying her... I bet I could satisfy her. Let her come to me and I'll fix her.

HARU: Do you want me to rip off something that won't grow back?

BOB (laughing): I always knew you two were my favorite. When we return, I'll ask Usagi and Michiru the same questions and we'll see how many points they can accumulate here on this special edition of The Newlywed Game.

BOB: Hi everyone and welcome back to The Newlywed Game. The ladies have returned and it's time to ask them about their lovers. Are you ready, Usagi?

USAGI (sitting on a beach towel in between Mamoru's legs. She's wearing a red bikini with a yellow sunflower design on it and yellow ruffles. She has bright red flowers in her odangos): Ready as I'll ever be, Bob.

BOB: Good. Now, first question. I asked Mamoru to complete this sentence, "Ever since we got married, my wife just doesn't blank like she use to."

USAGI: Uh oh. Um...I just don't...make love like I use to?

MAMO: Usako! You don't whine like you use to. And you're great in bed!

USAGI (blushes): Oh...

BOB (laughing): Okay. Michiru?

MICHI (laying with Haruka in the hammock. She's wearing an aquamarine swimsuit with a long, transparent, navy blue jacket over it): I think I don't satisfy her like I use to.

HARU: Well, that's partially true. (sighs) You don't let me lead like you use to.

MICHI: No, I don't. And I love every minute of it. (smiles)

BOB: You four are off to a bad start. But don't worry, this is a special show. There's plenty of time to catch up. Now, Michiru, what was the first thing out of your mouth the first time you saw Haruka naked?

Usagi screams

BOB: Usagi, what was that for?

USAGI: That's my answer. Mamo-chan is sooooooooo hot! I about died when he-

MICHI: Usagi! We'd all like to keep down our breakfast!

USAGI: Well, how could you possibly get aroused by another woman?

MICHI: How could you get aroused by something that decreases in size every day?

MAMO: How would you know?

MICHI: ... Anyway, I think the first thing I said was a simple "wow."

BOB: That's a match for you both. Okay, Usagi, where's the coldest place you've ever had sex?

USAGI: With Mamo-chan?

(Bob sweatdrops)

USAGI: Just kidding. Um, I think it was one cold night on the moon.

MAMO: Pluto, Usako! Pluto!

USAGI: Well, I was close.

BOB: Michiru?

MICHI: Oh, this is easy! The pool!

BOB: Yep. Now-

MICHI: And let me tell you, it was quite an experience!

BOB: That's nice. If-

MICHI: I mean, water is my natural element, so-

BOB: Michiru!

MICHI (nervous laugh): Ah, gomen.

BOB: Thank you. What do your neighbors complain about the most: the noises coming from your bathroom, kitchen or bedroom? Michiru?

MICHI: Well, we don't have many neighbors living near enough to hear, but I'd say Setsuna always complains about our bedroom noises.

BOB: That's a match. Usagi?

USAGI: Definitely bedroom!

BOB: You got it. Usagi, if the airlines awarded you 1000 miles for every time you and Mamoru made love this past week, how far around the world would you two get?

USAGI: Oh, we'd make it around the world!

BOB: How many miles?

USAGI: About 15,000.

MAMO: What? Was I not there three times?

USAGI: Oops! Gomen!

BOB: Too bad. Michiru?

MICHI: 2000.

HARU: Nani? We haven't done it only twice in the last week!

MICHI: Oh! It's how many TIMES? Well, then...10,000.

HARU: Now I wasn't there once...

BOB: Sorry you two. Alright, Michiru, what is the total number of positions you and Haruka have tried in a single lovemaking session?

MICHI (staring at Bob): You've got to be kidding me!

BOB: Hey, I don't write the questions, just ask them.

MICHI (blushing. Starts counting on her fingers, making small motions with her arms and legs): I think about eighteen.

HARU: No! Michi!

MICHI: Weren't you thinking about the night around two months ago?

HARU: Yes! You didn't add...

MICHI (covers her face): Oooohh...

HARU: Michiru! 69 is about the only position we didn't do!

MAMO: I'm gonna have nightmares tonight!

HARU: What was that!

USAGI: But Mamo-chan, we've only done it in three positions.

MAMO (sadly): ... That's right...

USAGI: Aww... (pats his legs) It's okay. We can make up for that tonight.

MAMO: Really?

HARU: Now I'M gonna have the nightmares.

BOB: We should have you four on here every day! Anyway, Michiru, how did Haruka complete this sentence, "I believe with all my heart that women were put on this Earth for two reasons: to blank and blank."

MICHI: Well, her answer would also be about herself, so she probably said something like look good and overpower men.

USAGI: Well, I think we were put here to love and be loved.

BOB (laughing): You two won't believe this, but you have your answers switched! Obviously, no points. Usagi, the last time Mamoru gave you the chills, did they start from the top and work their way down, or start from the bottom and work their way up?

USAGI (giggles): Bottom up usually.

MICHI: Same with me.

BOB: Same with your lovers. Five points for each team. Next, if you got a free coupon to a top plastic surgeon, would you ask him to make something on your body smaller, bigger, smoother or tighter? Michiru?

MICHI: I'd probably want something a little bigger.

HARU: Michi! You're fine how you are! I don't need anything increased in size on you at all!

MICHI: Then what was your answer?

HARU: Uh...tighter...

MICHI: What?

BOB: Michiru, I'm sure she doesn't want you changed at all, just needed to answer the question.

HARU: Thanks, Bob.

BOB: No problem. Usagi?

USAGI: I've always wanted something bigger, too.

MAMO: Yyyesssss! Right, Usako!

USAGI: So you don't like what I have now?

MAMO: Don't put words in my mouth!

BOB (laughing): I love you four! Usagi, do you spend most of your time in bed lying on your front, back, left or right side?

USAGI MICHI: Left.

BOB: That was quick and correct. If an FBI agent dusted you after lovemaking, where on your body would they find the fewest fingerprints? Michiru?

MICHI: Good thing you didn't ask them where the most would be.

HARU (smiles): Because everyone knows where that is.

MICHI (blushes): Oh... Anyway, the least would be my feet.

BOB: Correct. Usagi?

USAGI: My feet, too.

MAMO: I touch your feet! At least they're not covered with hair.

USAGI: What else on me is covered with hair?

MAMO (cowering): I-I meant your back 'cause when you let your hair down I can't see it at all.

USAGI: ... Oh.

BOB: Good save, Mamoru. Usagi, how did Mamoru complete this sentence, "Her ex-boyfriend's blank is bigger than mine, but my blank is bigger than his."

USAGI: Knowing my Mamo-chan, I'd say he'd say his...you-know-what is bigger than Seiya's, though I wouldn't know, and Seiya's, uh, head is bigger?

MAMO: His head?

USAGI: I don't know!

BOB: Mamoru said his, or her, I don't have the story, dedication is more.

USAGI: It does take a lot to want to change sexes every day and still pursue me...

BOB (removes his straw hat and wipes his forehead): I've been working here for too long. Michiru, please give me some normal answers.

MICHI: Kento's brain and Haruka's ego.

HARU: Michiru!

MICHI (coolly): Nani?

HARU: ... Forget it.

BOB: I am going to know everything there is to know about you four by the end of this show.

MICHI: You already do.

BOB: True... Well, Michiru, as a player on the field of love, which penalty is Haruka most likely to be called on: illegal use of the hands, rushing, or motion in the backfield?

MICHI (smiles): Rushing. Although I like it sometimes, she does go really fast-

HARU (stands): Then you do admit you like it!

MICHI: I said sometimes.

HARU (smiles): Mmmm-hmmm...

BOB: You're right, Michiru. Usagi?

USAGI: Rushing as well.

MAMO: What?

USAGI: Oh, what else could you have said? You go way too fast and I DON'T like it.

BOB: That's not a match. Next question. Since you two have been married, what is the one thing you have lost that your lover wishes you hadn't? Usagi, good luck.

USAGI: Thanks, Bob. (glares at Mamoru) I think Mamo-chan wishes I hadn't lost my teenage silliness.

BOB: Our judges say that's a match.

(Mamoru wipes his forehead)

BOB: Michiru?

MICHI: I've lost my sense of humor.

BOB: I kind of doubt that...

MICHI: Well, little things annoy me now that were just cute before.

HARU: That's not true! You still think everything I do is 'cute.'

BOB: But Haruka said spontaneity.

MICHI: That too...

BOB: Ladies, if your lover could adjust your love life the way you tune a radio, which knob would he, or she, go for first: frequency, balance or volume? Usagi?

USAGI: Knowing how Mamo-chan thinks, I'd say he wants it more often. So frequency.

MAMO: No! Volume!

USAGI: What do you mean by that?

MAMO: I...I don't...I...I give up!

BOB: Michiru?

MICHI: I would also guess frequency.

HARU: Well...

MICHI: What else!

HARU (quietly): ... Balance.

MICHI: Oh... (smiles) Okay!

HARU: Does that mean I can lead again?

MICHI (grins): Hell no!

BOB (laughing): Okay, this is the final question today. Michiru, when it comes to hard-core romance, do you prefer to be controlled, be in control, or be totally out of control?

MICHI (smiles and giggles): Two months ago I would have said I liked to be controlled, but now I like to be IN control!

HARU (sighs): That's what I said...

BOB: Another match. Usagi?

USAGI: Oh, I'm always out of control!

BOB: Not according to Mamoru. He said he's the big man in charge.

USAGI: What?

MAMO: He's putting words in my mouth!

USAGI: I'll put my Tier in your mouth!

BOB: Calm down, it's only a question!

HARU: That we got right.

MAMO: Want me to put something else in your mouth?

HARU: I know you want to.

BOB: May I be IN CONTROL of my show now?

ALL: Gomen.

BOB: I don't know if I can handle another day of you four. Anyway, the scores as of now are Usagi and Mamoru have 35 points, and Haruka and Michiru have 40 points. We'll be back tomorrow for another hour long special of The Newlywed Game. Hope to see you there.


	2. part 2

Disclaimer for my sanity:  
This story was written in 2000, so don't be too harsh on me :P  
If this isn't the right format for a story, go ahead and take it down. I've seen other works in this format on this website and they're great, but if there's a problem with it by all means remove it.  
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TheNewlywed Game: Special Edition - part 2

ANNOUNCER: Liiiiiive from Hollywood, it's The Newlywed Game! And here's the star of the show, Bob Eubanks!

(Audience cheers as Bob walks out in the same outfit as before except sporting a hula skirt)

BOB: Hello everyone. Glad you could join us for the second half of this special edition of The Newlywed Game. With us today are...uh...Michiru and Usagi...? Where are Haruka and Mamoru?

MICHIRU (laying in a hammock, sipping coconut milk, wearing a smooth, blue, two-piece swimsuit with a transparent cloth around her waist): They're still tired from after the last show.

BOB: Oh my...

USAGI (wearing about the smallest bikini one could find and sunglasses, drinking lemonade, sitting in a lawn chair): Yeah. Hope they wake up before we're done.

BOB: Yeah. Well, your questions are worth 10 points each as opposed to 5 in the last segment. As you know, Usagi and Mamoru have 35 points and Michiru and Haruka have 40 points. Good luck to both of you. Here's the first question. Michiru, when it comes to lovemaking, would you say Haruka is better than she looks or she looks better than she really is?

MICHI: You think I'm going to say anything other than she's better than she looks?

USAGI: And Mamo-chan's DEFINITELY better than he looks!

BOB: As I thought. Usagi, if your husband was your love toy, what would you have to do to get him started: wind him up, pull his string, or plug him in?

USAGI: What do you mean 'if'? Mamo-chan IS my love toy!

MICHI (rolls her eyes): Oh please!

USAGI: Bite me!... Well, he'd have to be plugged in 'cause once I light his fire he keeps going and going and going and-

MICHI: Spare me!

BOB: I'm afraid. This is only the second question!

MICHI: Sorry, Bob. Haruka would probably need to be plugged in as well.

USAGI: And you were making fun of me...

BOB: Okay, okay. Michiru, which comment has Haruka heard least in her life: you're so interesting, you're so funny, or you're so good in bed?

MICHI: It would have to be 'you're so good in bed.'

BOB: What?

MICHI: Well, she has reporters and every one of her fans telling her she's interesting, and Hotaru says she's funny every five minutes. I'm the only one telling her she's good in bed

BOB: Thank you for the explanation, Michiru.

(Michiru smiles)

BOB: Usagi?

USAGI: Well, I tell Mamo-chan he's good in bed every night, so he

probably hears 'you're so interesting' the least.

BOB: Good. What was the last thing your lover did that left you

speechless? Usagi?

USAGI: Mamo-chan actually cleaned the whole apartment and fixed dinner

just for me!

BOB: How sweet. Michiru?

MICHI (blushing): I was sitting in bed reading and...she walked in the

room wearing only a G-string...

(Audience whistles and cheers)

BOB: Well, I'd like to see Mamoru's reaction to that piece of info. Now, Michiru, would Haruka say she thinks most about sex when she's eating, watching TV, or working out?

MICHI: I would say when she's working out.

USAGI: Mamo-chan definitely thinks about sex when he's watching TV 'cause I guess sports shows get him aroused or something.

BOB: That was quick. Usagi, if Mamoru were to grade you on last night's bedroom performance, would he give you an "A" for acting, "C" for cold shoulder, or "F" for fantastic?

USAGI: He'd better give me an 'F.'

BOB: I sure hope. Michiru?

MICHI: It was fantastic, Bob!

BOB: Yes... Michiru, complete this sentence, "When it comes to blank Haruka is like the little engine that couldn't."

MICHI (laughing): Um...when it comes to foreplay she's like the little engine that couldn't.

BOB: Oh, really?

MICHI (sighs): Yeah... Remember yesterday; rushing?

BOB (smiles): Oh yeah. Well, Usagi, what can't Mamoru do?

USAGI: As much as I'm tempted to also say foreplay, I'm going to have to say listening. If he's watching TV, good luck getting his attention.

BOB (laughing): Okay. Next, Usagi, if Mamoru was a light bulb, how long would he be able to stay turned on before he burned out?

USAGI: Well, he can stay turned on at most two hours.

BOB: Wow. Michiru?

MICHI: I would say one hour.

BOB: Alright. Michiru, what's the most number of people Haruka's been naked with at one time?

MICHI: What? Better be one!

USAGI: Oh dear... My answer's fifteen.

BOB: Geez!

MICHI: You got some competition, Usagi?

USAGI: No! It was a college fraternity thing!

MICHI: Sure...

BOB: Well, we'll have to question him on that one. But, our next question is for Usagi. Listen carefully to this one. Which of the following do you think best describes his sexual timing: too little too early, too little too late, too much too early, or too much too late?

USAGI: Oh my...uh...I get too much too early. He woke me up at 4 am once wanting it!

BOB: Yes, I'd agree that's too early.

MICHI: Well, I'd say too much too late. I'm afraid I don't get enough sleep sometimes because she keeps me up.

BOB: Fine. Complete this sentence, "The next time I want to stick it to my lover really bad, I'll just sigh and say, 'It's a shame he doesn't blank like my ex-boyfriend blank.'" Michiru?

MICHI: It's a shame she doesn't give massages like Kento.

USAGI: Oh, you're in trouble, Michiru!

MICHI: Oh yeah? What did Seiya actually do better than Mamoru?

USAGI (smiling): He was sweeter!

MICHI (sarcastically): I'm sure he'll agree to that.

USAGI: Bite me!

BOB: Now, now. There's been so much less fighting between you two. Don't start now. Usagi, exactly how long would Mamoru say he can go without sex before his personality begins to change?

USAGI (laughing): This is certainly an appropriate question. Uh...he can last about two days before going crazy.

MICHI: About the same with Haruka. Two days without it and she's depressed.

BOB: I pity them. Anyway, Michiru, if you could take Haruka in for servicing just like a car, what would you ask to get fixed first: her gear box, stick shift, air bag or gas tank?

MICHI (laughing): Well, one of those answers doesn't apply to me, but of the ones that do, I'd say I'd want her gear box fixed.

BOB (laughing): And why's that?

MICHI: She's too fast and doesn't like foreplay!

BOB: Okey-dokey. Usagi?

USAGI: Well, I can't complain about his stick shift, so I'll have to say his airbag. He's a human vacuum cleaner!

BOB (laughing): He might not like that answer, but oh well. What word is uttered the most in your bedroom: yes, no, please or sorry? Usagi, your turn.

USAGI (smiling): Oh, yes, Bob!

BOB: Uh...please don't use my name when you say that...

USAGI (blushing): Sorry, Bob.

BOB: So your answer is 'yes,' yes?

USAGI: Yes!

BOB: Yes. Michiru?

MICHI: Please!

(Audience laughs)

BOB: I think we should move on. Michiru, what two things does Haruka have trouble doing at the exact same time?

MICHI: Bob, she can't think straight when she's having sex!

BOB: Well, most people don't...

MICHI: But when we're in the heat of passion she doesn't think of anything else! I could ask her when she wants to do next and she'll answer 'yes' or 'no.'

BOB: That could be a problem.

USAGI: You wanna hear a problem? Mamo-chan can't dance and act sexy at the same time.

BOB: We'll have an interesting time hearing that explanation from him... Well, girls, this is the last question.

USAGI: I don't see how you could get any further into our bedrooms, Bob.

BOB: Think again, Usagi. Complete this sentence, "It's just a matter of time until I'm going to let him make love to me where."

USAGI: Oh dear... Under our bed.

BOB: Well, that's an unusual spot... Michiru, do I dare?

MICHI: I don't think so. My answer is a public indoor pool.

BOB: A public pool!

MICHI (sighs): Sadly, yes.

BOB: Okay... We are finished with the lady's questions, and when we return, we'll have some fun with Mamoru and Haruka's answers.

BOB: Welcome back to this special edition of The Newlywed Game. The current scores are Usagi and Mamoru have 35 points and Haruka and Michiru have 40. These answers are worth ten points a piece. Are you ready to begin?

(Audience cheers. Mamoru is admiring Usagi's swim wear as she sits in his lap. He's wearing a red Speedo. Michiru has changed into a black bikini and sunglasses hold back her hair. She's laying on a beach towel with Haruka who's wearing a golden-colored bikini)

BOB: Well then let's get started. Our first question is, when it comes to lovemaking, Mamoru, are you better than you look or do you look better than you really are?

MAMO: Usako better have said I'm better than I look.

BOB: And she did! Good job. Haruka?

HARU: I would usually say I'm as good as I look, but in this case I'm better.

MICHI: Of course you are!

BOB: Ten points. Haruka, if you were Michiru's love toy, what would she have to do to get you started: plug you in, pull your string, or wind you up?

HARU: She'd probably have to plug me in because I waste no time warming up.

BOB: That's a match. Mamoru?

MAMO: I usually think I AM Usako's love toy, so I'll say the same thing.

BOB: I'm starting to believe we need to check our soundproof booths...

HARU: No need. We were asleep the whole time.

BOB: Oh dear... Well, I hope you're awake now. And if not, you will be. Which comment have you heard least in your life: you're so funny, you're so good in bed, or you're so interesting? Mamoru?

MAMO: Not many people say I'm interesting...

BOB: That's what Usagi told us. Haruka?

HARU: Well, I'm good in bed and interesting, so I don't have many people telling me I'm funny.

MICHI: Haruka! Hotaru tells you that every day!

HARU: And my fans tell me I'm interesting.

MICHI: So what does that leave?

HARU: So what do you say over and over every night when I'm making love to you?

(Michiru covers her mouth and blushes)

BOB (smiling): No secrets on this show. Haruka, what was the last thing you did that left Michiru speechless?

(Michiru begins to blush again)

HARU: What could be that bad, Michi? The only thing I can think of is when I bought handcuffs for us to play with one night.

MICHI: I wasn't speechless about that!

BOB: Yes. Michiru tells us otherwise.

MICHI (standing): Don't say it, Bob!

HARU Don't say what?

USAGI: Michiru told us you walked in to the bedroom in a G-string.

HARU (blushing): You told them about that?

MICHI: It was the last thing that left me speechless!

MAMO: I'm speechless just thinking about it...

HARU: Don't think about it, ecchi!

MAMO: Well, I can't complain. I did nearly the same thing.

USAGI: When?

MAMO (smiling): Don't you remember, Sweetie? Friday night?

USAGI (eyes wide): Aaaahhhhhh! (covers Mamoru's mouth) Don't tell them that!

MICHI: What happened, Usagi?

MAMO: Well, I went over her house while her parents weren't home and she was-

USAGI: Mamo-chan!

BOB: Well, whatever this story may be I don't think it's making a dinner.

MAMO: Close...

USAGI: Shut up!

BOB: Now, now, Usagi, I'm sure Mamoru wouldn't tell if you don't want him to.

USAGI: Yes he would. Just to brag.

HARU: He's got nothing to brag about. Don't worry.

MAMO: Bitch.

BOB: I think we should move on now. Do you think most about sex when you're watching TV, working out, or eating? Mamoru?

MAMO: Well, I think about it all the time, but of those three activities I think about it most when I'm watching TV.

BOB: Finally, a correct answer. Haruka, can you do the same?

HARU: Naturally, it's when I'm eating.

MICHI: Why would eating make you think about...never mind.

BOB (smiling): Michiru, never underestimate the young male mind...or in Haruka's case...

HARU: Stop right there, Bob. Don't you dare relate me in any way to a man.

BOB: Okay, okay. Uh, next question. If you were to grade your wife on last night's bedroom performance, would you give her an "A" for acting, "C" for could shoulder, or "F" for fantastic? Haruka?

HARU: Michiru gets an 'F' for freaky!

MICHI (blushing): Haruka!

BOB: Well, even if that's your interpretation, both said 'F.' Mamoru?

MAMO: Usako gets an F!

BOB: I'm never doing this question again. Grades screw me up enough as it is. Mamoru, we asked Usagi to complete this sentence, "When it comes to what, Mamoru is like the little engine that couldn't."

MAMO: Well, she use to say there was nothing I couldn't do, but if there's one thing I'm bad at it's cooking.

BOB: Usagi says you can't listen; especially when you're watching TV.

MAMO: Oh yeah. That too.

BOB: Haruka?

HARU: I'd also say when it comes to listening.

MICHI (annoyingly): Haruka...

HARU: Nani?

MICHI: What did we have the LONG discussion about last night?

HARU (grinning): If you wanna call it a 'discussion.'

MICHI: You know what I mean!

HARU (sighing): She's right... Foreplay.

BOB: THAT'S correct, but no points. Next, if you were a light bulb, how long would you be able to stay turned on before you burned out? Haruka?

HARU: Strange questions, Bob. But I can stay turned on for about two hours.

MICHI (laughing): When?

HARU: What?

MICHI: Honey, you can barely make it an hour!

HARU: That...that's not true.

MAMO: Wanna prove it?

HARU: You'd like me to!

BOB: Now, now. Mamoru, what's YOUR answer?

MAMO: Me? Ha! Three and a half hours!

USAGI (laughing): I know what Michiru feels like now! Mamo-chan, two hours at the MOST and you're out.

MAMO: Usako!

USAGI: Well, it's the truth.

BOB: I think that's enough humiliation for now. Oh...I just looked at the next question... What's the most number of people you've been naked with at one time? Mamoru?

MAMO: Are you trying to get us in trouble, Bob? Now, this was a dare in a college fraternity, but...fifteen other guys.

HARU (grinning): What was the dare?

MAMO: It would have been a lot different if you were there.

HARU: I'd have killed you.

MAMO (standing): You wanna try it?

HARU (standing): Bring it on!

BOB: Will you two sit down? I'm about to have you tied to the trees!

MICHI USAGI: Please...

(Haruka and Mamoru sit)

BOB: Thank you. Mamoru, that was a match with Usagi. Haruka, what's your answer?

HARU (wraps an arm around Michiru): One, Bob.

MICHI (smiles and kisses Haruka): Yokatta.

BOB: See. There's no need to be violent. Okay, Haruka, I'm going to read you some phrases, and you tell me which one best describes your sexual timing: too much too early, too much too late, too little too early, or too little too late?

HARU: My sexual timing? Is there anything you won't ask?

MAMO: I hope not. This is great!

HARU: What do you mean by that?

MAMO: From what Michiru tells me, I'm about to come over there and give you a lesson in foreplay myself!

HARU (stands): You want me to snap that Speedo right off you!

MAMO (stands): Sure, but then you can suck my-

BOB: PLEASE!

(Haruka and Mamoru sit down)

BOB: One more outburst and I swear I'm having you tied down!

USAGI: Oh, you love it, Bob.

BOB: Yes, but even I can only take so much... Now, Haruka, PLEASE answer the question calmly.

HARU: Gomen nasai. Too much too late.

MICHI: Thank you!

BOB: That's right. Mamoru?

MAMO: It's gotta be too much too early.

BOB: Very good. Next, we asked the girls to complete this sentence, "The next time I want to stick it to my lover really bad, I'll just sigh and say, 'It's a shame he doesn't blank like my ex-boyfriend blank." Mamoru?

MAMO (peering at Usagi who smiles innocently): It's shame I don't...kiss like that weasel Seiya?

USAGI: I never kissed him, Mamo-chan!

MAMO: Well, good.

USAGI: That means you got it wrong!

BOB: She said sweeter.

MAMO: Sweeter? I'll show you sweeter!

(Mamoru bends Usagi back and kisses her passionately)

BOB: Well... Haruka?

HARU: You better not have said what I think you might have said.

MICHI: If I said what you think I might have said which is what you hope I didn't say but I might have said, what will you do then?

HARU (very confused): ... Uh...

MICHI (leans against Haruka and smiles): Just answer the question, Sweetie.

HARU (sweatdrops): Um...I don't buy you things like Kento?

BOB: Well, Michiru seems to enjoy the massages he gives her.

HARU: MASSAGES? Where! When! You never told me you let him touch you like that!

MICHI: For obvious reasons, Haruka...

HARU: Well, he's dead next time I see him!

BOB: Haruka, take this as a sign. Maybe if you do the same to Michiru she won't have to reside in Kento anymore.

HARU: That's right, Bob. Michiru, you're getting a FULL-body massage tonight!

BOB: That's not all you four are getting tonight. Anyway, let's move on before you get ahead of yourselves. Haruka, exactly how long can you go without sex before your personality begins to change?

HARU: Two days.

BOB: Right! Mamoru?

MAMO (still kissing Usagi): What?

BOB: Please give an answer.

MAMO: What was the question?

BOB (sighs): How long can you go without sex?

MAMO: I can only go about a day.

USAGI: You can go longer than that!

BOB: Yes, she said two days. Okay, Mamoru, listen. If Usagi could take you in for servicing just like a car, what would she ask to get fixed first: your air bag, gas tank, gear box or stick shift?

MAMO: I don't see how she can complain about my stick shift, so of the remaining three she'd probably want my air bag fixed.

USAGI: THAT'S for sure. You eat like a pig!

MAMO: What?

USAGI: Don't deny it. Remember when you ate that entire box of Hohos in one day?

MAMO (smiling): That's only because I was eating them off of you!

(Usagi blushes like mad)

BOB: In the midst of all that, air bag is a match. Haruka?

HARU: Well, stick shift's out, and nothing's wrong with my air bag or gas tank, so it must be gear box.

BOB: Correctly deduced for ten more points. (smiling) Haruka, Mamoru, what word is uttered most in your bedroom: no, yes, sorry or please?

HARU: It's definitely 'yes,' Bob!

BOB: Michiru says it's 'please.'

HARU: Please!

MICHI: Haruka, there are at least ten 'pleases' for every 'yes.'

HARU: Yeah, and the begging comes from you.

(Michiru blushes)

BOB: Mamoru?

MAMO: I think the only word EVER uttered in our bedroom is 'yes.'

BOB: Yes, that's a match. Mamoru, what two things do you have trouble doing at the exact same time?

(Audience begins to laugh quietly)

MAMO: Why are they laughing? I would say it's the same as the earlier question; I can't listen and watch TV.

BOB (laughing): Nope.

MICHI: Mamoru, wanna do a dance for us?

MAMO: What!

BOB: Yes. Explain to us your little dilemma with dancing for Usagi and acting sexy.

MAMO: Usako!

USAGI: Gomen...

HARU (laughing): Yes, please demonstrate.

MAMO: I'll demonstrate on you, you little-

BOB: Mamoru! This is supposed to be a fun game show, not Jerry Springer!

MAMO: Okay then. I'd like to hear Haruka's answer.

HARU: It can't possibly be more humiliating than yours... Talking while making love.

BOB: No, that's not the same.

MICHI: Thinking straight while having sex.

HARU: No one can do that!

MICHI: But you're ridiculous!

BOB: Alright, this is the final question. But don't worry, there is an extensive bonus round coming up, so it's still any couple's game. Haruka, how did Michiru complete this sentence, "It's just a matter of time until I'm going to have to let Haruka make love to me where."

HARU: Definitely on the kitchen table.

MICHI: No! It's where YOU want to do it!

HARU: Not necessarily. You have been wanting to do it on the table, though.

MICHI (blushing): I have not!

BOB: Too bad. It's all in how you interpret the question. Mamoru?

MAMO: We were talking about it last week. Under our bed.

BOB: That's a match!

USAGI: Hooray!

BOB: We're going to take a commercial now, but when we come back, both couples will compete in our special bonus round which will determine the grand prize winner on this special edition show. Don't go away.

BOB: Welcome back, everyone. This is the final segment of our two-day special and I hope you enjoy what we've got planned. Here's how the bonus round will work. We have asked these four contestants about various items that they might use in the bedroom. Haruka and Mamoru were questioned about seven different things and the girls five. Their lovers will now be asked if these things are preferred or not preferred by them, according to what the other said. Each match will earn them 25 points. If you are confused, don't worry. It will all make hilarious sense in a minute. Are you ready?

(Audience cheers)

BOB: Okay, let's go. First, for Usagi and Michiru, would you two enjoy or not enjoy whipped cream in your bedroom?

USAGI: We start out with the obvious ones and get harder, huh? Enjoy.

MICHI: I enjoy whipped cream, too!

HARU MAMO: So do we!

BOB (laughing): That's an obvious match. Mamoru, Haruka, we asked the girls about strawberries.

MAMO: We definitely enjoy those.

HARU: They go great with whipped cream!

(Usagi and Michiru are blushing)

BOB: Right. Don't get embarrassed now, girls. What did your lovers say about a blindfold?

USAGI MICHI (blushing): Blindfold!

MICHI: We've only used a blindfold once, so I'd say we don't enjoy it.

HARU: You had a different opinion the night we used it. You said you loved being surprised and it created wonderful suspense-

MICHI: That's enough, Haruka!

USAGI: We've never used one, so no.

MAMO: But I want to so I said yes.

USAGI: Well, you never told me you wanted to!

BOB: There's a fifty-fifty chance on all of these. Just keep thinking about what your partner answered. Mamoru, Haruka, peanut butter.

HARU: None of that for us.

MAMO: I loooove peanut butter 'cause it takes a long time to lick off!

USAGI: MAMO-CHAN!

BOB: Well...that's correct for Haruka and Michiru... Anyway, here's a little surprise for you girls. Video camera.

MICHI: Nani! No way!

HARU: Michiru! We've made videos before!

MICHI (blushing): That doesn't mean I enjoyed making them.

MAMO: Either way, care to give me a copy? I've always wanted to see two women go at it!

HARU: What did you say!

USAGI: Mamo-chan!

BOB: Mamoru, please! What's your answer Usagi?

USAGI: We're not making any videos from now on, but my answer's I like it.

BOB: That's a match. Here's another for the girls. Do you enjoy chocolate sauce?

USAGI: That's a giveaway. Yep!

MICHI: Me too!

BOB: Right! Okay, Haruka and Mamoru, what about a flash camera?

MAMO: What? And I thought video camera was bad.

HARU: It is.

MAMO: Well, we like flash cameras, too.

USAGI: No I don't!

MAMO: But you liked video cameras!

USAGI: Flash cameras are much different.

(Mamoru sighs)

HARU (laughs): You should know most women don't like having their picture taken, let alone when they're not wearing anything. Of course, you'd only know about naked men, wouldn't you?

BOB: Haruka! Don't start! Michiru, Usagi, adult videos.

MICHI: What? That's like having some other couple in the room with you!

USAGI: Yeah. Disgusting!

BOB: Haruka didn't prefer them either, but Mamoru...

USAGI: Mamo-chan...

MAMO: Gomen!

BOB: Okay, lotions.

HARU: Well, those are always stimulating.

MAMO: I use them all the time - on Usako.

(The girls blush)

BOB (smiling): 25 points each. Ladies, handcuffs.

USAGI: Oh my...

MICHI: Who thinks up these things, Bob?

BOB: Not me.

USAGI: Sure. Handcuffs are lots of fun.

BOB: Mamoru agrees with that. Michiru?

MICHI (blushing): I...I guess so.

BOB: Good, Michiru. Here's a little unusual one. Mamoru and Haruka, do you like sprinkles?

MAMO: Sprinkles? That's different. Never used them, but it would be fun.

BOB: Yep. Haruka?

HARU: I wouldn't think Michi would like using those.

BOB: Apparently she would.

HARU: Michiru!

MICHI: I never thought about it before!

BOB: Okay, here it is. The moment of truth. This is the final question worth...well, it doesn't even matter what it's worth 'cause, believe it or not, it's a tie score! Both couples have 210 points, so whoever gets this right will win the game.

(Usagi and Michiru stand up)

BOB: Ladies...your opinion on...cherries.

USAGI MICHI: ENJOY!

BOB (sweating): Oh...dear...it's...a tie.

(Mamoru and Haruka stand up)

COUPLES: NANI?

USAGI: So what does that mean!

BOB (scared): It...it means you both win and are both going on your second...third...whatever honeymoons. Of course, you're being sent to opposite sides of the Earth. We don't want to start another World War.

MAMO: I WON'T accept this! We must win!

HARU: Well, you know, we won the very first game, so technically we have more points overall, so we win.

USAGI: But you were fighting after the show so much you couldn't even take the trip, so what does that prove?

MICHI: We made up so much that we tied you on this show, so what does that prove?

USAGI: Lesbian!

MICHI: Odango!

(The four start throwing stuff at each other, tearing up the set. Bob crawls under the flying debris toward the audience)

BOB (sighs): And when I say opposite sides of the Earth, I MEAN opposite sides of the Earth... The North and South Poles to be exact...

(Credits begin to role)

BOB (looking at camera): What can I say? This is the best show on television. This is Bob Eubanks signing off for The Newlywed Game. Good night everyone.


End file.
